I’m going to begin sharing a story with you from my life in the past year and a half. Here it begins! I really hope it encourages or moves you in some way.
In January of 2018 I remember having this overwhelming feeling that there was
more.
Have you ever felt that? It’s kind of a confusing feeling, it’s like finding a hole where you did not realize there was one. “Look dad, there’s a hole in the ceiling! That probably shouldn’t be there right? How do we fix it?” Frightening, honestly. Because what if I don’t find something that can fill it?
I need to give you some more context,
at this point, I knew Jesus. I had felt his love, and felt him free me from needing people to define my worth, and free me from shame, and free me from really heavy depression!!!! Amen and thank you Jesus! I felt a drastic shift after going to Young Life camp for a week, a camp called Pioneer Plunge. I came back feeling like I could physically walk lighter knowing my worth, came back feeling intense joy, and came back with this tangible passion to love people around me and for them to feel the newfound freedom and wholeness I felt. As the insecurity left the focus shifted away from myself, and toward Jesus and his love for me and all of his beloved kids. Insane awesome, right??
At this point, I felt close to Jesus at times, worshiped him, spent time in my Bible, went to church, taught countless middle schoolers and people around me about who he is from what I knew in my head, read in the Bible, and some of what I had experienced that He is like. Keep that word “experienced” in your head.
I got these thoughts in my head, unprompted by anyone, totally out of the blue,
“I think I need to know more about the Holy Spirit. Who is he? Is he a person? Or a thing? Do you even use the pronoun “he” when you talk about the Holy Spirit? What is a spirit anyway? In church they mention “Holy Spirit” in passages of scripture, and sometimes even talk about what he does. But I need to know more, I’m confused. I’m missing something.”
I always knew the Sunday school answers that there is the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I knew the Father is basically the main God (at least in my head, bear with me!). I knew Jesus is the Father’s Son who he sent to die to take care of His wrath for sin, and that Jesus rose again. I knew that the Holy Spirit convicts of sin and He’s everywhere. I knew they’re all the same person but different (whatever that means). I always related the most with Jesus, and really only addressed him cause he deserves it right, He’s the one who died?
Now I know some of y’all can relate to that last section. It’s not totally incorrect theology, but I think it’s missing a ton, and a little confusing, and that’s what I was beginning to recognize January of 2018.
In this place of wanting to know more, I read the book, “Forgotten God” by Francis Chan, and tried asking older adults at my church for answers, but I didn’t totally know what to ask, and I don’t think they really knew what to tell me either. I thought that book would answer all of my questions, but it only left me with ten thousand more. I felt like I needed something more.
In March, I went to a creative arts conference called “The Breath and the Clay” (cool name right?) for the second time at a church called Awake in Winston-Salem. The conference was so rich and sweet. One specific moment I was listening to a speaker, and for the few weeks leading up to the conference I was feeling extra lonely, and feeling the weight of how I never felt like I “fit” throughout my childhood and into adulthood. It was causing me to despair and feel this heaviness. In the middle of the session, the speaker said with excitement and joy in his voice,
“you were made for more than just to fit in!”
I’ve never heard words that spoke so clearly to what I was thinking, and I knew they were for me, and it freed me. I left feeling the presence of God right with me like I never had, it was like I finally knew in a totally new way, “he really is right here! I can feel him in front of me!” I think I audibly said that to Him once I got into my car and I didn’t want to drive away because the moment was so good, so I sat in my car for a good 15 minutes. That is hard to describe. But so very real!
and it was as if the Father himself was speaking it into the microphone to just me.
At the end of the conference I felt this strong pull to come back to Awake Church. I felt so free and welcome and loved there, it was insane. I didn’t fully understand why yet, I just knew I had to come back ASAP! I ended up visiting periodically, trying to make the final decision of whether I would start going to church there. But the whole time I knew I had to, I knew this place was what I needed.
I’m going to hit pause on this story because this is so many words already haha. This’ll be part one, then there will be a few more to finish this story, so stay tuned! I hope that as you read this you can relate to a piece of it and I hope it is encouraging to you.
Please comment/text me/facebook me/send a homing pigeon (idk what a homing pigeon is, I think I heard that on The Incredibles and thought it sounded cool!) and let me know what you relate to or anything you’re thinking about this subject. I would love to start some dialogue with you about it or anything really! I love friendship.
Catch ya on the flippity flip!
Lucy Smoot
the journey into joy 